Category: inspiration

GET OUT

                   

    I was lying in bed the other night tired from a long day, it seemed that since my son had began his football season every minute between the hours of 5:30 am and 10:00 pm  were  accounted for. I was excited that the weekend was upon me and my kids had decided to stay at their grandma’s house. A quiet house to myself, I smiled to myself as I fell into a deep sleep. I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from my downstairs.  Phone in hand, I sleepily made  my way down the steps. To my terror there were two men standing in my living room I froze in fear, making this confrontation more sinister.. I knew them, they were men from my past that I thought I had gotten rid of. Now I could clearly see that they were relentless in their pursuit of me. Their names were Guilt and Shame. One said “ sit”and so I sat.   Then Guilt began to bind my hands with rope and then my feet so I could not move freely. He began reminding me of my past mistakes he then pulled out his kill kit and displayed his tools of operation: memories, lies, exaggeration and intimidation. I wanted to scream but Shame had his hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t speak. He always works along side of Guilt (they are a team) his job was take my voice so that I couldn’t speak life and positivity to myself.  

     Even after my deliverance and transformation from patient to Physician, from survivor to Reviver, from slave to Warrior I still had and have to constantly cut ties from Guilt and Shame. They are repeat offenders. I wanted to tell you that once you identify the areas in which they have decided to set up camp in your life, you can then strategically and intentionally set fire to the residence and build again. How you ask? Through exposure; you must tell on yourself. That burn you felt just now when you read tell on yourself is that same fire that will consume the lies Guilt and Shame are using to overpower you.  Say what it is that’s being used against you. Not to Everyone!  But to God, and possibly a counselor. Once you say it, or admit it. You then take away its power over you. And that my friend punches Shame right in the mouth. For me being married twice and my children having different fathers was where Guilt and Shame built their comfy lives. I was ashamed that I wasn’t good at relationships and it was super evident. I would tell half truths slip and slide or dodge questions. I didn’t want people to know, I didn’t want to be viewed as weak. Nowadays I  don’t run up on people proclaiming my personal background (kinda in the blog I do) lol. However, I do tell the truth when the situation presents itself, and I do so with confidence. Why?  Because I decided to accept my whole self. I could no longer afford to reject parts of me. Self rejection is the street Guilt and Shame live on. I love me, ALL of me. I love 17 year old me that was searching for love and that was confused at what love looked like. I love 20 year old Eryca that got married to please God and appease both church and family, trying her best to bring virtue to herself and her child. I accept and love 21 year old Eryca that fell into the trap of addiction and I forgave 25 year old Eryca that was certain codependency was true love. 

I wanted to tell you that I broke free from my captors Guilt and Shame- just like in a cinematic thriller, I freed my hands and my feet, to move how I need to, which is FREELY and Authenticity with my Head held high. 

I fought that fight and came out victorious.. I’m now qualified to speak on what I’ve had to overcome.. Codependency, Mommy Issues, and how to have 3 babies fathers and have Peace. Because I’ve lived it. I set fire to the camp Guilt and Shame built in my mind and in my heart. Then I built an altar of humility and thankfulness of love and mercy and understanding, compassion and empathy. 

   When I had escaped from Guilt and Shame, I began running towards my front door, towards the promises of God but standing in the doorway 6’6  300 lbs, big and puffed up, arms folded was Ego. My very own pride was mocking me, saying “You know they’re going to talk about you” “What about your brand?” “What about YOU???” I took a stance to begin a violent attack on my biggest enemy, my Inner me but  just then I heard the spirit of the Lord and I repeated what I heard in my inner ear into the ear of Ego. “ If God be for me, who can be against me?” Romans  8:31 Pride stepped back and I walked into my newness of life.  Not perfect but being perfected, which means mature. Mo’ betta than I was before. 

   I wanted to tell you that I’ve come to torture what used to torture me. I’m here to bind what had me bound. I’m here to kill the very things that with all their might tried to kill me. I’ve been sent to overthrow the kingdom that tried to overthrow me. 

The more I write the more God shows himself and in an open confession I must admit I was afraid of being too God focused or religious on my blog and that my writing wouldn’t be valued by a mainstream audience but I am persuaded that (s)He who the son has set free is free indeed and with my liberation I will write the words that have been written on my heart, to yours. It Is So. 

Still praying, Still hoping ,Still believing

Necessary Evil

Necessary Evil: something unpleasant that must be accepted in order to achieve a particular result. 

In this life we all will face necessary evils. Whether it be taxes or the agonizing pain of childbirth, necessary evils cannot be avoided. But what happens when we try to avoid these essential parts of life? What happens when we allow the fear of what is necessary and the pain or negative effect attached to it to stop us from reaching our desired result?  

Parenthood is a great example of this. During your child’s early days, months, and years there are many challenges to be faced to ensure the proper growth and development of your baby.   You have to get your son circumcised, you have to get them vaccinated, then there’s potty training and weaning from breasts or bottle. 

There’s that heart breaking first day at daycare so that you can get back to work or their first day at school so that they can receive the building blocks for education.  These are all necessary evils that if not carried out would result in an underdeveloped child. 

In my own personal life I’ve taken a look back at the necessary evils that I tried to avoid, one in particular being  the need to take time to get to know myself. How is this a necessary evil you may ask? Well, in taking time to really get to know ones self there’s a process of being alone of focusing only on ones self. Focusing on other people’s issues and drama  is much easier than focusing on yourself and all that comes with you. The good, the bad, and let’s not forget the ugly. But in order to be authentic, and to be whole, healed, and present it was necessary for me to stop throwing myself into incompatible relationships or unproductive friendships just to avoid the ache that came with my necessary evil. I had to embrace the ache to get me the results I have today. 

  There are some things in your life that are making you uncomfortable On Purpose. It’s to move you to your next level.  For if we’re not growing we’re dying and if we’re not moving we’re stagnant.

That girl on your job that’s sabotaging you, that taunts you and undermines your work. That boss that finds new ways to belittle and disrespect you. They are necessary for the entrepreneur in you to come forth.  They are a constant reminder of where you do not belong. 

 Single parents, your children growing out of their clothes and eating you out of house in home is necessary to push you back into the classroom to get the certificate, license, or degree it takes to make the salary to sustain your family and household. 

That situationship you’ve been in for the past 5 years; They do then they don’t. They will and then they won’t. It’s necessary so that you will become sick of the rollercoaster ride and toxic cycle of instability and insecurity. So that you become tired of child’s play and develop true desire for real companionship and being honored in a relationship. 

Friends that have betrayed you, told your secrets, maybe to your enemies. They were teaching you to take all your cares to God in prayer. He is the only one that can help you anyway. 

That person you trusted that abused you. Once you begin to walk in forgiveness, have just simultaneously anointed you. Because to forgive someone that isn’t sorry is a special gift from God carried out by the strongest of us. 

The pain we experienced from the necessary evils in this life will always carry a sting. There is a sting in disappointment, there is a bitterness in heartbreak, being victimized will always feel like someone just took all the air out the room. Sometimes we make poor choices and those consequences hurt.

I wanted to tell you life is full of necessary evils, don’t try to avoid them and miss out on getting what you can only receive by going through them.  You can handle the sting and the ache for it is strengthening you to become that person required to hold the end result. 

Peace and Blessings

You First

I’ll admit I have some serious trust issues.. to put it plainly my trust issues got trust issues. 

I think depending on how your life started out and how relationships unfolded around you. Trust will either come naturally to you or it may not come at all. Due to circumstances surrounding my childhood and key relationships that were supposed to build the emotional tool called trust failing to do so I was left with what we peg as having Trust Issues. 

My Trust issues were not that of a generalized nature however.. oh no, like anything else that I experienced, it seemed as though they were definite and absolute. No trust for no one.

So it’s no wonder that the same trust issues I displayed in my relationships with men and with society as a whole would show up in my “relationship with God” or the lack thereof. Stunting my spiritual growth and retarding my advancement toward fulfilling my purpose and reaching my destiny. Wow. I just said a lot, I know.

If you’ll allow me to unpack this bag, I’ll unfold just how my trust issues and how your trust issues have created a disconnect with the very thing we must be connected to with in order to fulfill our dreams and conquer our demons. Or if that is too spiritual for you let me rephrase. We all have goals that we want to reach and obstacles that we want to overcome. 

Failing to have trust in yourself, failing to trust God and failing to trust people has a crippling effect on our progress. Trust issues make you weak, they make you vulnerable and it causes stagnation. 

I wanted to tell you how I learned to initiate a trust relationship with God, which strengthened the trust and confidence in myself and is now currently enabling me to begin trusting humans. 

As looked back at the many hardships and traumas I faced in my childhood. Compounded with knowing what I know in regards to statistics and cause and effect relating to how abused children operate in the world (not so good). I had a lot of questions for God. I had absolutely no understanding as to why he would allow me to endure and be subject to the hurt and pain that I sustained. For many years my prayers to God were “Why would you do that??” And because I was so stuck in the pain I decided to reject God. I decided that He wasn’t REALLY on my team because of those losses I took in my early years. Not really ever taking into account how I overcame them all.

Not trusting people and not trusting God just left me to depend on me and I was too mentally unstable to trust myself. My emotions were fleeting. I’d be up one day and down the next. So I knew in order to bring some order and structure into my life I was going to have to trust SOMEONE and seeing how mankind was not eligible AT ALL. I looked at Gods track record with how he had always came through for me and decided to bet on him. 

Matthew 22:37 says Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  I didn’t have a love problem so to speak, I loved God, you could ask anyone and they could tell you that about me. I needed God to help me learn how to trust him.  At the time there were a lot of posts on social media saying Trust is more important than love and I believe it because you cannot have true love without trust. You can have like an If you died I’d cry type of love, but not the real thing. 

As I prayed to God that he cultivate a trust relationship between he and I. He began to show me how you learn to build trust. One word. Obedience. 

Rolls eyes.. not one of my favorite words. Also kinda not one of my strong suits. But as I began to practice obedience it was like a muscle of trust. Every time I used my obedience my trust would become stronger. I had to make the first move though. I would take a step and he would lay another brick I would do it again and the same thing would happen. Until now we’ve created something substantial on which I can stand. 

I can rest not having to have it all figured out or really anything figured out but my trust and entire future is in Gods hands. I just rest and obey, it’s so much easier this way. People often say that I have a glow and it’s because I’m rested up. I’m not trying to do everything and thinking the World is against me, but even if the whole World is against me. It’s cool because I know it doesn’t matter who or what is against me God is for me. 

I’ll end on this note.. I’m not a special case, we’ve all been disappointed by GOD, by our parents, our spouses, and life but you can have trust again. You must have trust again, it’s the key that unlocks the door to your resting place of your mind.  I pray you reclaim your peace and find a way to trust again. 

Jeremiah 17:7-8

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

The Fire

I lost a lot of things in the fire  

I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that I needed. 

I watched as I burned up along side of my most treasured possessions and relationships.. boyfriend burned, bestie marred, drinking buddies and girl group that I was so proud to be a part of, gone gone gone. 

I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that needed me. 

If they investigate it’ll for sure be an arson and I’ll admit it.. I both poured the gas and lit the match to burn down an old house and old attitude and old behaviors that no longer served where I now had to go. I set my self on fire to see if Phoenixs really do exist. Ashes to Ashes and dust to dust. 

When you sacrifice the only thing you need is what’s left after the fire goes out. All I had was my new identity, my children, a pen and a piece of paper. They were the keys to my new life for I knew everything that was consumed was not for me.

I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m glad I did. Started over again with a new foundation that would be an alter where a fire would rage both day and night, a fire that would not consume me but gave me power and authority. That wouldn’t allow me to lose sight of what lay ahead of me. A fire that was a constant reminder that  less is more and that with just God I can do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could even contrive when attempted without him. I thought I had the life when I had people, when I had dates and I had popularity but when the fire came it was all burned away and I escaped to the secret place and abode there and did tarry. I found new life. I’ve lived more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. Before it was as if each day was the same and I was always waiting for something to jump off so I could feel alive or have some sort of reason to mark myself present in the whole thing. But now it’s as if each day is new. I’m new each day and so are my experiences and so are my expectations.

I’m finally alive and I’m not waiting for something to happen I am the something that is happening. 

I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m so glad that I did. 

Burn on Selah.