Category: Motivational

Look Again


  After 15 years of being told she was ugly  Corina has finally stopped looking. Mirrors were no longer her thing, instead she had decided to throw herself into sports and make sure she made people laugh, if she didn’t have looks she told herself, she’d have to rely on her talents.

Becoming one of the most popular girls in her school, Corina was truly impressed with herself but being ugly left more than a chip on her shoulder, it was more like a bolder. She had many things; friends, favor amongst teachers, she was athletic and could sing a little bit. Boys even liked her but deep down she knew that it wasn’t because of her looks, because she was ugly. Her hair wasn’t straight like the other girls in her school. She had boring brown eyes and she had acne,ugh! What was to look at?

 Corina would graduate and years later start a family. Throughout the hustle and bustle of life she had some success  however she also had low self esteem,  but she stuffed the pointless emotions of self acceptance down,down, down until she almost couldn’t taste the bitterness anymore. One random Saturday while putting on her makeup Corina did something she hadn’t done in over a decade, she decided to really take a look at herself. She began examining her facial structure noting her check bones, scanning and analyzing her blemishes and beauty marks, as her evaluation was concluding she fell dead lock in a forward gaze, starring directly into brown eyes. These eyes however were the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. How was this possible? Corina looked with amazement. She blinked to see if they would return to what she had always known but when her gaze returned they were still there, BEAUTIFUL brown eyes. And they belonged to her. Tears began to fill the rims of each eye and an overwhelming feeling of love, self love and self admiration fell on Corina. She sat on the toilet in bewilderment. And she asked herself the question if I didn’t know this about myself. What else don’t I know?? 

   That day marked a pivotal moment in Corina’s life. At  age of 26 she began self exploration and questioning what she thought she knew about herself. She began uncovering lies and deception surrounding her previous knowledge of who she was and what she believed about herself.

As Corina continued to break down the walls of lies and misunderstandings she had ongoing within herself. A new and stronger Corina emerged -and that bitterness that Corina had to taste everyday was no longer a cup she had to drink from. 

There are some things we’ve told ourselves…there are some labels we’ve placed on ourselves. But it’s time to re-evaluate what you said about yourself 5 or 10 years ago and start again. 

So you say you’re not creative.. maybe you’ve changed. 

You say you can’t lose weight. Maybe you’re more disciplined than you were when you first made your mind up about weight loss and health. 

You say you can save money. At what age or stage in life did you decide that? And are you still THAT person? Impossible. 

  Some of us are arrested in development. Hanging on to ideas about ourselves and identities given to us by our parents 20 and 30 and maybe 50 years ago. 

I wanted to tell you it’s time to do what Corina did and take a hard long look in the mirror not just at your face. Clearly you’re gorgeous or extremely handsome! But look at your life. It’s time we confront some of our thinking. I want you to do me but more importantly do yourself a favor and LOOK AGAIN!

#DontMissOutOnYou #changeIsGood #growingPangs #LookAgain #YoudBeSuprised

GET OUT

                   

    I was lying in bed the other night tired from a long day, it seemed that since my son had began his football season every minute between the hours of 5:30 am and 10:00 pm  were  accounted for. I was excited that the weekend was upon me and my kids had decided to stay at their grandma’s house. A quiet house to myself, I smiled to myself as I fell into a deep sleep. I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from my downstairs.  Phone in hand, I sleepily made  my way down the steps. To my terror there were two men standing in my living room I froze in fear, making this confrontation more sinister.. I knew them, they were men from my past that I thought I had gotten rid of. Now I could clearly see that they were relentless in their pursuit of me. Their names were Guilt and Shame. One said “ sit”and so I sat.   Then Guilt began to bind my hands with rope and then my feet so I could not move freely. He began reminding me of my past mistakes he then pulled out his kill kit and displayed his tools of operation: memories, lies, exaggeration and intimidation. I wanted to scream but Shame had his hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t speak. He always works along side of Guilt (they are a team) his job was take my voice so that I couldn’t speak life and positivity to myself.  

     Even after my deliverance and transformation from patient to Physician, from survivor to Reviver, from slave to Warrior I still had and have to constantly cut ties from Guilt and Shame. They are repeat offenders. I wanted to tell you that once you identify the areas in which they have decided to set up camp in your life, you can then strategically and intentionally set fire to the residence and build again. How you ask? Through exposure; you must tell on yourself. That burn you felt just now when you read tell on yourself is that same fire that will consume the lies Guilt and Shame are using to overpower you.  Say what it is that’s being used against you. Not to Everyone!  But to God, and possibly a counselor. Once you say it, or admit it. You then take away its power over you. And that my friend punches Shame right in the mouth. For me being married twice and my children having different fathers was where Guilt and Shame built their comfy lives. I was ashamed that I wasn’t good at relationships and it was super evident. I would tell half truths slip and slide or dodge questions. I didn’t want people to know, I didn’t want to be viewed as weak. Nowadays I  don’t run up on people proclaiming my personal background (kinda in the blog I do) lol. However, I do tell the truth when the situation presents itself, and I do so with confidence. Why?  Because I decided to accept my whole self. I could no longer afford to reject parts of me. Self rejection is the street Guilt and Shame live on. I love me, ALL of me. I love 17 year old me that was searching for love and that was confused at what love looked like. I love 20 year old Eryca that got married to please God and appease both church and family, trying her best to bring virtue to herself and her child. I accept and love 21 year old Eryca that fell into the trap of addiction and I forgave 25 year old Eryca that was certain codependency was true love. 

I wanted to tell you that I broke free from my captors Guilt and Shame- just like in a cinematic thriller, I freed my hands and my feet, to move how I need to, which is FREELY and Authenticity with my Head held high. 

I fought that fight and came out victorious.. I’m now qualified to speak on what I’ve had to overcome.. Codependency, Mommy Issues, and how to have 3 babies fathers and have Peace. Because I’ve lived it. I set fire to the camp Guilt and Shame built in my mind and in my heart. Then I built an altar of humility and thankfulness of love and mercy and understanding, compassion and empathy. 

   When I had escaped from Guilt and Shame, I began running towards my front door, towards the promises of God but standing in the doorway 6’6  300 lbs, big and puffed up, arms folded was Ego. My very own pride was mocking me, saying “You know they’re going to talk about you” “What about your brand?” “What about YOU???” I took a stance to begin a violent attack on my biggest enemy, my Inner me but  just then I heard the spirit of the Lord and I repeated what I heard in my inner ear into the ear of Ego. “ If God be for me, who can be against me?” Romans  8:31 Pride stepped back and I walked into my newness of life.  Not perfect but being perfected, which means mature. Mo’ betta than I was before. 

   I wanted to tell you that I’ve come to torture what used to torture me. I’m here to bind what had me bound. I’m here to kill the very things that with all their might tried to kill me. I’ve been sent to overthrow the kingdom that tried to overthrow me. 

The more I write the more God shows himself and in an open confession I must admit I was afraid of being too God focused or religious on my blog and that my writing wouldn’t be valued by a mainstream audience but I am persuaded that (s)He who the son has set free is free indeed and with my liberation I will write the words that have been written on my heart, to yours. It Is So. 

Still praying, Still hoping ,Still believing

It Was Me

If you’ve read any of my blogs there seems to be at least one mention per blog of how in some way shape or form I’ve been victimized, abused, talked about and misused. And those are facts.. those things did happen to me and as a result I internalized those things which created my dark world that I escaped from and now write about. However,  there are facts and then there’s the truth. 

The truth is, in writing my depiction of events I get to tell my side of the story often shedding light on my strengths and the poor  behavior and motives of others.  But today I think it only fair that I set the record straight.  That if the people I’ve been in relationships with whether it be close friends, family, exes, or co-workers got an opportunity to take pen in hand there are stories to be told of my own toxic behavior, of how I victimized, and abused my boyfriends, how I played the villain and betrayed friends that put their trust in me. How I disappointed mentors that put time, money and energy into me. It Was Me. 

We often try to justify our actions believing that at our core we have a heart of gold. But truth be told you have a heart of whatever it is you’re full of at the moment. Maybe it’s fear, resentment, bitterness, or envy. 

I used to think I had a heart of gold also. Even my wrongs were right in my eyes, but in hind sight I had a heart of pride, and a heart of unforgiveness. Every petty word, and manipulative deed was just a manifestation of my pride and unforgiveness. 

I left a trail of broken hearts and wounded spirits on my journey towards healing. Misled boyfriends.. Ghosted close friends. When I wasn’t busy healing I was busy hurting. If I could mend every wound or apologize to every hurt emotion I would. 

I wanted to tell you It Was Me, I admit my wrongs and I’ve confronted them and I’ve forgiven myself for them. It’s a big part of my healing. Putting to death those  twins Guilt and Shame. That would have you hide your faults so that THEY would Lord over you and hold you back from true freedom. 

I wanted to tell you, you are not the sum of your mistakes but in wholeness we must face them, address them,then let them go. 

I’m now in a place of repentance so I’m no longer holding on to the emotions attached with those actions, which has strengthened me enough to tell you.. IT WAS ME.

#HeartCheckHeartCheckOneTwoOneTwo

#ItWasMe #ItWasYoutoo #ConfrontthePain 

Umm..GO!!

The 4th of July proved quite eventful for myself and my family. We had no plans of attending a bbq so I decided to go to Cincinnati and find some shenanigans to participate in. We found a beautiful park and ate at a super decent restaurant, we even hit up the Cincinnati museum, it was lit. 

Some time during our adventure I was approaching an intersection however there was a gas station to my right as I was approaching and a car needed let out , so instead of blocking the car I left room for the car to go ahead of me. 

The light turned yellow.. the car still sat in the gas station’ s exit. The light turned red, I patiently awaited the driver to make her move in the more than accommodating spot I  had made for her.  Seconds felt like minutes as the light turned green and my kind gesture turned into road rage.. I yelled “Go, what are you dumb?! “ (Relax she didn’t hear me). After licking her ice cream, insert labored breath, the driver gingerly pulled out and went her merry way. At this point my BP was approximately 100/200 because well… I’m a work in progress. At any rate. I revived myself and almost immediately had a revelation of sorts. 

   We need to move! Like Now. If there is something you’re trying to do I say you stop trying and get to doing. I see all cylinders moving but some of us are afraid to go. During that episode at the intersection the young lady had ample time to make her move. There was a flock of geese crossing the intersection which made us sit through nearly 2 light cycles yet, because of heavy traffic and possibly fear she didn’t take the place that I had clearly provided for her. She was scared to make her move. 

And as soon as I asked if she was dumb (she didn’t hear me)I felt it in my spirit that that’s what God was asking me.  Why aren’t you moving? Why are you waiting? Stoping acting scared! My answer was no, I’m not dumb so I should probably not act as if I am. 

I wanted to tell you… Move now. Things are being orchestrated in such a way to make room FOR YOU. So come through. It’s your time and your turn! 

I have received this word this week but I’m not alone in this so I wanted to tell you too. 

Start the non profit, start saving, start filling out visitation paperwork to see your kids, start working out, start looking at houses, start eating right, start today. Whatever your thing is and you Know exactly what I’m talking about..

Ummm…. GO!!!

Perverted Strengths Twisted Flaws

How the enemy tries to use our gifts and strengths against us

Your loyalty..to keep you in an unhealthy or abusive relationship

Your headstrong nature.. to make you addicted to things

Your fight.. to fight people instead of that thing that is in opposition to your goals and destiny.

Your love.. not for yourself but you give it all to someone who doesn’t even know what to do with it.

Your commitment.. not to God or your values but you’re committed to your past and your excuses.

Per·vert

[pervert]VERB

  1. alter (something) from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.
  2. synonyms:distort · warp · corrupt · subvert · twist · bend

One of my biggest flaws has always been my temper or to be more specific my anger. Growing up and in adulthood I would try my best to control my anger because once engaged..what was to follow was nothing short of hellacious. I would cuss, fight and engage in other ridiculously horrifying behavior. But can I share a secret with you? I was kinda good at being mad.( that’s crazy) I know. I was good at having someone mess with me, antagonized me, or push me to my point of NO MORE. Once I reached that limit, all bets were Off and the fight was On. I was willing to do whatever it took to protect myself weather it be my physical person or just my pride and ego. I was also willing to fight for others that couldn’t fight for themselves. My flaw was my strength and used incorrectly my strength was my flaw.

How is being a passive aggressive, Ready if you Ready, fighting machine a strength you ask? Well, that fight I was using against people that would bully or irritate me I now use for the kingdom to fight demons and difficult situations that try to bully me and cause me undo harm. This one time, depression and suicide tried to jump me. I had to get with them! Then I had this crazy long fight with addiction.. You see who won that. I’m fighting generational curses, I’m fighting poverty, I’m fighting against poor mental health.. I was born to fight! I’m irritated with how Satan tried to do me, and what he’s trying to do to my sisters and brothers. DO YOU NOT KNOW I’m at his neck?? My flaw is my strength

I know some loyal people. I know people that will not leave their partner’s side no matter what they do or say to them. They can steal from them, humiliate them, lie, cheat, have 3 babies on them, make them lose everything they’ve worked hard to have, and in the morning they’ll be right there like nothing ever happened because their strength, which to some may be labeled as stupidity is in all actuality their loyal heart. It’s been perverted though. Somewhere where that loyalty was once pure; life, rejection, lies and disappointment got a hold of that loyalty and deformed it into a sick and perverse version of its former self. Now what was a strength is that person’s biggest weakness. What could be used to build strong bonds, good credit, self reliance, integrity, a long career is being used against that person to destroy those very things. That loyalty has been misplaced and misused.

Now, I know someone came to mind while you were reading that.. I know you can clearly see how my fight was necessary but misused and misplaced it almost cost me my life. Now look at your strengths and your flaws and see.. See just as clearly as the things that are being distorted in your life. The things that are bringing you chaos where there should be peace. Making you look foolish where it was meant to elevate your entire life. All your puzzle pieces are there for your best life, you just have some shoved in the wrong places.

I wanted to tell you I see you high and lifted up. Out of confusion and free from the misconception what your strengths really should be used for and how your flaws should serve you.

It is so.

From Stumbling Blocks to Starter Blocks

I think it’s funny how the things that used to torment me and and hold me captive in my mind, behind bars of guilt and shame are now the the very same things I use as fuel to wage war on the enemy and come into alignment with whoI truly am. Pause. 

My biggest insecurity growing up were my teeth, my self esteem was on the floor in regards to how my teeth looked and the lack of confidence made me incredibly fragile. That pain and ridicule I endured as a result of my smile would become the fuel to push me into my career in dentistry. The very thing that held me back for a season in my life, propelled me in another. 

When I was 20 I went into braces. The confidence I gained and relationships I built with my dental staff made a mark in my life that has  lasted 15 years. My career has not only enabled me to bring my family out of poverty but it’s also helped in developing my interpersonal skills. Like many other careers it’s challenged me in ways that make me a more well rounded person. 

And we’ve seen scenarios like my dental story play out time and time again. When the mother of a victim of a drunk driving accident creates a scholarship in the memory of their lost loved one. Or when a pro athlete builds low income housing for single mothers after enduring and being eye witness to their own mother’s struggle for survival. 

Emotionally and spiritually we fall prey to less than imaginable circumstances.. the rape, the miscarriage, the divorce, the untimely or seemingly senseless death of a loved one. Depression that has taken up more than it’s fair share of our lives or toxic cycles that only left us confused and empty. These stumbling blocks should be utilized in the same manner that I used my teeth,the mother used the accident and the pro athlete used his mother’s struggle. As starting blocks. 

I wanted to tell you that these things may have had victory over you at a point in your life.They may have had power to cause pain, embarrassment, and resentment in a season. But that season is over and just like a track runner does, I want you to place those blocks behind you and USE the past and the pain to PUSHyou forward into the newness of life where those things are stuck back where you were and you’re now moving to the finish line.

I pray you can clearly see what is trying to cause you to stumble as you run this race called life and that you begin to clear your path. 

I wanted to tell you I see you crossing your finish line and winning your race because VICTORY was yours from the start. 

Runners to your mark..

Addicted to Distraction

Growing up in an abusive home I would often use distraction and being mentally absent as a defense mechanism to escape from the trauma and chaos happening to and around me. I would imagine myself somewhere else, doing something else. In those days I’d do almost anything to not fully experience my present reality.

This coping mechanism used to help me survive during a time when I had no other recourse or skills, sadly bled into my adult life and I became an adult that was… you guessed it, Addicted to distraction. And seeing how this title caught your eye, I have a feeling I’m not the only one.

Who likes to text and drive ? I loved to text and drive! Texting during dinner? Yes please! Snap Chat an entire date? Sign me up! I was on Facebook while watching a movie, YouTube while my kids were telling me about their school day. If you were talking I was over talking you. Because you see I was Addicted to Distraction.

Always late. Never fully present, never fully showing up. Never seeing, feeling, or experiencing anything in real time. Then afterwards I would analyze previous exchanges and over analyze and obsess and become even more distracted by emotions and resentment of missed opportunities. Yet when an opportunity would next arise for Eryca Renai to say “Present” I would probably be found fumbling around in my bag or downloading a random app.

From the outside my life was a projection of a woman balanced even thriving. I had a career, home, car, nice things,friends, hobbies yet there was lack. Lack of focus. Lack of organization. Lack of discipline.

So how did I even acknowledge that I was addicted to distraction? I hadn’t heard it before but I had noticed that I was always doing something not important while I was supposed to be doing something pretty important. It stuck out to me. Texting and driving was habitual for me it was if it went hand in hand. (No pun intended). I knew it wasn’t right and for my kid’s sake and to hold myself accountable I wanted to sign the It can wait pact. But I couldn’t commit. I began to see how throughly my life; in the classroom, in relationships, and sometimes at work I lacked focus. I’d do really well for a short period of time but I’d lose interest in EVERYTHING.

Being distracted can be tricky. Seeing how you can be distracted by good things. It’s not always going down the rabbit hole on social media or someone calling you to spill the hottest tea while you’re supposed to be praying.

It’s whenever you’re doing something less important while you’re supposed to be doing something more important.

It’s balancing your checkbook during Sunday morning service. It’s doing your family stuff or stressing over your boo while at work. It’s worrying about your teenager and their attitude problem while you’re supposed to be focusing on your spouse. It’s allowing drinking to take priority over your responsibilities to yourself and your family . It’s allowing someone flirting with you to take priority over your integrity as a married person. It’s valuing designer labels over security.

Are you addicted to Distraction?

If so don’t even trip because I wanted to tell you how I overcame my addiction to distraction. I did it through a dare. So I dare you to not be distracted. I dare you to get intentional and to start small. As soon as you see your distraction arrest it. Don’t let distraction rule you but you begin to rule distraction. Just Say No!

I had to learn to not let good be the enemy of perfect because nothing is perfect. it’s okay to show all the way up and for things to not go as planned.

I wanted to tell you my 4 keys to breaking free of addiction to distraction.

1 Ask God to show you what’s distracting you. (Pray)

2 Write them down. Be honest with yourself ( Come into agreement with God)

3 Resist. When you see your distraction or are about to participate in your distraction. Do the opposite. This will be hard and feel strange at first but practice makes better.

4 Watch. This is my favorite step!! Just Watch how your life does a 180 degree turn in the area that you’ve began being more focused in. Results do not vary.

Lastly, I wanted to tell you that you, reading this right now. Yes, you are already free from the addiction of distraction for what you seek is seeking you. Focus and discipline are yours and waiting to envelop you. Simply go towards them because they’re ready to receive you. It is so.

Boom

I praise God I’m not a one dimensional character. I know it’s easier and you’d probably feel safer if you could place me in a box, if you can compartmentalize me or label me so then you can assign a measure of value to me. That way you could decide what level of respect I deserve. You’d be able to predict our interactions and know exactly how to handle me if you so choose when you so choose to.

But I am a multidimensional creation. Yasss when he made me he made me wealthy in many areas of my life and poor in others. He made parts of me inexplicably beautiful and some parts are painstakingly ugly. He made me sophisticated and hood. I am both a peacemaker yet I like to fight. I’m strong enough to get the job done but so weak I cannot do it alone. I cry often. I laugh often. I’m hardworking but I relish rest. And because I am not able to easily be boxed, labeled or handled I’m in the likeness of Dynamite.

    Dynamite: an explosive that is made of nitroglycerin and absorbed in a porous material that often contains ammonium nitrate.2 One that has a powerful effect. Also something that has great potential to cause trouble or conflict.3 Terrific, Wonderful.

    In the right hands and viewed through the eyes of people that understand what I’m truly made of my gift can be used properly. Terrific and wonderful things will occur. But it is often that I am feared by those that are ignorant of what I’m purposed for or mishandled which may lead to trouble or conflict.

    The revelation of having a dynamic personality has been empowering. And I know I’m not alone in this. I wanted to tell you that if you’re dynamite don’t pretend that you’re not do not reject parts of yourself to make others around you feel safe. You aren’t too much. You’re you. Amazingly awesomely and sometimes not so awesomely you. I wanted to tell you that the sooner you come into agreement with All of who you are, the sooner your life will take off in the direction your divine destiny resides in. Tick, tick, tick…Boom.

    The Fire

    I lost a lot of things in the fire  

    I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that I needed. 

    I watched as I burned up along side of my most treasured possessions and relationships.. boyfriend burned, bestie marred, drinking buddies and girl group that I was so proud to be a part of, gone gone gone. 

    I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that needed me. 

    If they investigate it’ll for sure be an arson and I’ll admit it.. I both poured the gas and lit the match to burn down an old house and old attitude and old behaviors that no longer served where I now had to go. I set my self on fire to see if Phoenixs really do exist. Ashes to Ashes and dust to dust. 

    When you sacrifice the only thing you need is what’s left after the fire goes out. All I had was my new identity, my children, a pen and a piece of paper. They were the keys to my new life for I knew everything that was consumed was not for me.

    I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m glad I did. Started over again with a new foundation that would be an alter where a fire would rage both day and night, a fire that would not consume me but gave me power and authority. That wouldn’t allow me to lose sight of what lay ahead of me. A fire that was a constant reminder that  less is more and that with just God I can do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could even contrive when attempted without him. I thought I had the life when I had people, when I had dates and I had popularity but when the fire came it was all burned away and I escaped to the secret place and abode there and did tarry. I found new life. I’ve lived more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. Before it was as if each day was the same and I was always waiting for something to jump off so I could feel alive or have some sort of reason to mark myself present in the whole thing. But now it’s as if each day is new. I’m new each day and so are my experiences and so are my expectations.

    I’m finally alive and I’m not waiting for something to happen I am the something that is happening. 

    I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m so glad that I did. 

    Burn on Selah.