Umm..GO!!

The 4th of July proved quite eventful for myself and my family. We had no plans of attending a bbq so I decided to go to Cincinnati and find some shenanigans to participate in. We found a beautiful park and ate at a super decent restaurant, we even hit up the Cincinnati museum, it was lit. 

Some time during our adventure I was approaching an intersection however there was a gas station to my right as I was approaching and a car needed let out , so instead of blocking the car I left room for the car to go ahead of me. 

The light turned yellow.. the car still sat in the gas station’ s exit. The light turned red, I patiently awaited the driver to make her move in the more than accommodating spot I  had made for her.  Seconds felt like minutes as the light turned green and my kind gesture turned into road rage.. I yelled “Go, what are you dumb?! “ (Relax she didn’t hear me). After licking her ice cream, insert labored breath, the driver gingerly pulled out and went her merry way. At this point my BP was approximately 100/200 because well… I’m a work in progress. At any rate. I revived myself and almost immediately had a revelation of sorts. 

   We need to move! Like Now. If there is something you’re trying to do I say you stop trying and get to doing. I see all cylinders moving but some of us are afraid to go. During that episode at the intersection the young lady had ample time to make her move. There was a flock of geese crossing the intersection which made us sit through nearly 2 light cycles yet, because of heavy traffic and possibly fear she didn’t take the place that I had clearly provided for her. She was scared to make her move. 

And as soon as I asked if she was dumb (she didn’t hear me)I felt it in my spirit that that’s what God was asking me.  Why aren’t you moving? Why are you waiting? Stoping acting scared! My answer was no, I’m not dumb so I should probably not act as if I am. 

I wanted to tell you… Move now. Things are being orchestrated in such a way to make room FOR YOU. So come through. It’s your time and your turn! 

I have received this word this week but I’m not alone in this so I wanted to tell you too. 

Start the non profit, start saving, start filling out visitation paperwork to see your kids, start working out, start looking at houses, start eating right, start today. Whatever your thing is and you Know exactly what I’m talking about..

Ummm…. GO!!!

About Last Night

Last night I had dinner with a group of friends. It was so good to catch up as we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. Time  away truly makes the heart grow fonder. I was amazed at the transformations that had taken place in each of our lives during our sabbatical from one another. There was weight loss, job changes,new hair, and various other manifestations. But a word I kept hearing during our many side conversations and general table talk was a word I hadn’t heard before. Especially in mixed company with a group of woman of color. It was a word I would say and then watch as people sat back and analyzed just what exact type of crazy I was. A word that has been somewhat demonized but helped me identify and dissect my own demons. The word, Therapist. 

One referenced their therapist’s office decor and another referenced their therapist’s look and I sat back in amazement at the beauty and the splendor of it all. There were no awkward pauses. Shame never showed her ugly face, in her place Healing radiated over our entire section of the restaurant. 

I wanted to tell you that in our society and in black culture we often like to stunt and “fake it til we make it” and by we I also mean me.  I will  it put on a brave face and designer bag in the face of financial instability with the best of them. I know how to perpetuate what I hope to achieve before I actually get there. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that. In the spirit being bougie I say go get that fendi bag sis! Cop that foreign car! I’m not mad at ya but don’t forget to get you a therapist. You see, that bag will poke at your voids and the luxury vehicle will stroke your ego every now and then but that’s only a temporary fix to a life long problem. The days of drinking, snorting, smoking and sexing and yes even shopping your pain alway are long gone. There’s an app for that. 

The time to confront mental health is now. The time to confront your children’s mental health is now. It’s what WE do. It’s possible and even probable that our parents and grandparents had issues and seen issues in us and in their ignorance (no disrespect intended) they either ignored it, tried to hide it or tried to beat it out of us. We’re privy to the internet which gives a us a passport to destination Information. We have tools they didn’t have so we can survive in a world they didn’t have to try to navigate through. 

Social media will have you believing your own lies. We all have issues, we aren’t all living our best lives in real life. There are inexplicable hurts some of us have endured and we all know that Hurt people hurt people. Even good hurt people, even loving hurt people, even seemingly happy hurt people, even you… will cause harm, likely to those closest to you. If you’re a single parent, your kids, or married person your spouse will get the brunt of your unaddressed issues. 

It is my hope and prayer that we take advantage of the tools we have been given access to such as talk therapy, group therapy, life coaches, mentorship etc. to heal ourselves which brings healing to our homes and that healing spreads into our communities that will heal our nation. 

I wanted to tell you I’ve been in therapy for 5 years. A lot of the healing and growth I’ve had has come through talking through my issues with a stranger that helped me to come up with a plan on how I would begin dealing with my emotions and pain in a healthy and constructive way.  It was a safe place to unpack my bag of sadness, fragility, anger,confusion,disappointment.. you name it.  Take charge of your thoughts and you take charge of your world.  It is so. 

#hookedonTherapyworkedforme

New Creation Counseling Center

Tipp City, Ohio (937) 667-4678

Dayton Children’s Hospital

Dayton, Ohio (937) 641-3401

    Perverted Strengths Twisted Flaws

    How the enemy tries to use our gifts and strengths against us

    Your loyalty..to keep you in an unhealthy or abusive relationship

    Your headstrong nature.. to make you addicted to things

    Your fight.. to fight people instead of that thing that is in opposition to your goals and destiny.

    Your love.. not for yourself but you give it all to someone who doesn’t even know what to do with it.

    Your commitment.. not to God or your values but you’re committed to your past and your excuses.

    Per·vert

    [pervert]VERB

    1. alter (something) from its original course, meaning, or state to a distortion or corruption of what was first intended.
    2. synonyms:distort · warp · corrupt · subvert · twist · bend

    One of my biggest flaws has always been my temper or to be more specific my anger. Growing up and in adulthood I would try my best to control my anger because once engaged..what was to follow was nothing short of hellacious. I would cuss, fight and engage in other ridiculously horrifying behavior. But can I share a secret with you? I was kinda good at being mad.( that’s crazy) I know. I was good at having someone mess with me, antagonized me, or push me to my point of NO MORE. Once I reached that limit, all bets were Off and the fight was On. I was willing to do whatever it took to protect myself weather it be my physical person or just my pride and ego. I was also willing to fight for others that couldn’t fight for themselves. My flaw was my strength and used incorrectly my strength was my flaw.

    How is being a passive aggressive, Ready if you Ready, fighting machine a strength you ask? Well, that fight I was using against people that would bully or irritate me I now use for the kingdom to fight demons and difficult situations that try to bully me and cause me undo harm. This one time, depression and suicide tried to jump me. I had to get with them! Then I had this crazy long fight with addiction.. You see who won that. I’m fighting generational curses, I’m fighting poverty, I’m fighting against poor mental health.. I was born to fight! I’m irritated with how Satan tried to do me, and what he’s trying to do to my sisters and brothers. DO YOU NOT KNOW I’m at his neck?? My flaw is my strength

    I know some loyal people. I know people that will not leave their partner’s side no matter what they do or say to them. They can steal from them, humiliate them, lie, cheat, have 3 babies on them, make them lose everything they’ve worked hard to have, and in the morning they’ll be right there like nothing ever happened because their strength, which to some may be labeled as stupidity is in all actuality their loyal heart. It’s been perverted though. Somewhere where that loyalty was once pure; life, rejection, lies and disappointment got a hold of that loyalty and deformed it into a sick and perverse version of its former self. Now what was a strength is that person’s biggest weakness. What could be used to build strong bonds, good credit, self reliance, integrity, a long career is being used against that person to destroy those very things. That loyalty has been misplaced and misused.

    Now, I know someone came to mind while you were reading that.. I know you can clearly see how my fight was necessary but misused and misplaced it almost cost me my life. Now look at your strengths and your flaws and see.. See just as clearly as the things that are being distorted in your life. The things that are bringing you chaos where there should be peace. Making you look foolish where it was meant to elevate your entire life. All your puzzle pieces are there for your best life, you just have some shoved in the wrong places.

    I wanted to tell you I see you high and lifted up. Out of confusion and free from the misconception what your strengths really should be used for and how your flaws should serve you.

    It is so.

    From Stumbling Blocks to Starter Blocks

    I think it’s funny how the things that used to torment me and and hold me captive in my mind, behind bars of guilt and shame are now the the very same things I use as fuel to wage war on the enemy and come into alignment with whoI truly am. Pause. 

    My biggest insecurity growing up were my teeth, my self esteem was on the floor in regards to how my teeth looked and the lack of confidence made me incredibly fragile. That pain and ridicule I endured as a result of my smile would become the fuel to push me into my career in dentistry. The very thing that held me back for a season in my life, propelled me in another. 

    When I was 20 I went into braces. The confidence I gained and relationships I built with my dental staff made a mark in my life that has  lasted 15 years. My career has not only enabled me to bring my family out of poverty but it’s also helped in developing my interpersonal skills. Like many other careers it’s challenged me in ways that make me a more well rounded person. 

    And we’ve seen scenarios like my dental story play out time and time again. When the mother of a victim of a drunk driving accident creates a scholarship in the memory of their lost loved one. Or when a pro athlete builds low income housing for single mothers after enduring and being eye witness to their own mother’s struggle for survival. 

    Emotionally and spiritually we fall prey to less than imaginable circumstances.. the rape, the miscarriage, the divorce, the untimely or seemingly senseless death of a loved one. Depression that has taken up more than it’s fair share of our lives or toxic cycles that only left us confused and empty. These stumbling blocks should be utilized in the same manner that I used my teeth,the mother used the accident and the pro athlete used his mother’s struggle. As starting blocks. 

    I wanted to tell you that these things may have had victory over you at a point in your life.They may have had power to cause pain, embarrassment, and resentment in a season. But that season is over and just like a track runner does, I want you to place those blocks behind you and USE the past and the pain to PUSHyou forward into the newness of life where those things are stuck back where you were and you’re now moving to the finish line.

    I pray you can clearly see what is trying to cause you to stumble as you run this race called life and that you begin to clear your path. 

    I wanted to tell you I see you crossing your finish line and winning your race because VICTORY was yours from the start. 

    Runners to your mark..

    You First

    I’ll admit I have some serious trust issues.. to put it plainly my trust issues got trust issues. 

    I think depending on how your life started out and how relationships unfolded around you. Trust will either come naturally to you or it may not come at all. Due to circumstances surrounding my childhood and key relationships that were supposed to build the emotional tool called trust failing to do so I was left with what we peg as having Trust Issues. 

    My Trust issues were not that of a generalized nature however.. oh no, like anything else that I experienced, it seemed as though they were definite and absolute. No trust for no one.

    So it’s no wonder that the same trust issues I displayed in my relationships with men and with society as a whole would show up in my “relationship with God” or the lack thereof. Stunting my spiritual growth and retarding my advancement toward fulfilling my purpose and reaching my destiny. Wow. I just said a lot, I know.

    If you’ll allow me to unpack this bag, I’ll unfold just how my trust issues and how your trust issues have created a disconnect with the very thing we must be connected to with in order to fulfill our dreams and conquer our demons. Or if that is too spiritual for you let me rephrase. We all have goals that we want to reach and obstacles that we want to overcome. 

    Failing to have trust in yourself, failing to trust God and failing to trust people has a crippling effect on our progress. Trust issues make you weak, they make you vulnerable and it causes stagnation. 

    I wanted to tell you how I learned to initiate a trust relationship with God, which strengthened the trust and confidence in myself and is now currently enabling me to begin trusting humans. 

    As looked back at the many hardships and traumas I faced in my childhood. Compounded with knowing what I know in regards to statistics and cause and effect relating to how abused children operate in the world (not so good). I had a lot of questions for God. I had absolutely no understanding as to why he would allow me to endure and be subject to the hurt and pain that I sustained. For many years my prayers to God were “Why would you do that??” And because I was so stuck in the pain I decided to reject God. I decided that He wasn’t REALLY on my team because of those losses I took in my early years. Not really ever taking into account how I overcame them all.

    Not trusting people and not trusting God just left me to depend on me and I was too mentally unstable to trust myself. My emotions were fleeting. I’d be up one day and down the next. So I knew in order to bring some order and structure into my life I was going to have to trust SOMEONE and seeing how mankind was not eligible AT ALL. I looked at Gods track record with how he had always came through for me and decided to bet on him. 

    Matthew 22:37 says Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  I didn’t have a love problem so to speak, I loved God, you could ask anyone and they could tell you that about me. I needed God to help me learn how to trust him.  At the time there were a lot of posts on social media saying Trust is more important than love and I believe it because you cannot have true love without trust. You can have like an If you died I’d cry type of love, but not the real thing. 

    As I prayed to God that he cultivate a trust relationship between he and I. He began to show me how you learn to build trust. One word. Obedience. 

    Rolls eyes.. not one of my favorite words. Also kinda not one of my strong suits. But as I began to practice obedience it was like a muscle of trust. Every time I used my obedience my trust would become stronger. I had to make the first move though. I would take a step and he would lay another brick I would do it again and the same thing would happen. Until now we’ve created something substantial on which I can stand. 

    I can rest not having to have it all figured out or really anything figured out but my trust and entire future is in Gods hands. I just rest and obey, it’s so much easier this way. People often say that I have a glow and it’s because I’m rested up. I’m not trying to do everything and thinking the World is against me, but even if the whole World is against me. It’s cool because I know it doesn’t matter who or what is against me God is for me. 

    I’ll end on this note.. I’m not a special case, we’ve all been disappointed by GOD, by our parents, our spouses, and life but you can have trust again. You must have trust again, it’s the key that unlocks the door to your resting place of your mind.  I pray you reclaim your peace and find a way to trust again. 

    Jeremiah 17:7-8

    “But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

    They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

    Addicted to Distraction

    Growing up in an abusive home I would often use distraction and being mentally absent as a defense mechanism to escape from the trauma and chaos happening to and around me. I would imagine myself somewhere else, doing something else. In those days I’d do almost anything to not fully experience my present reality.

    This coping mechanism used to help me survive during a time when I had no other recourse or skills, sadly bled into my adult life and I became an adult that was… you guessed it, Addicted to distraction. And seeing how this title caught your eye, I have a feeling I’m not the only one.

    Who likes to text and drive ? I loved to text and drive! Texting during dinner? Yes please! Snap Chat an entire date? Sign me up! I was on Facebook while watching a movie, YouTube while my kids were telling me about their school day. If you were talking I was over talking you. Because you see I was Addicted to Distraction.

    Always late. Never fully present, never fully showing up. Never seeing, feeling, or experiencing anything in real time. Then afterwards I would analyze previous exchanges and over analyze and obsess and become even more distracted by emotions and resentment of missed opportunities. Yet when an opportunity would next arise for Eryca Renai to say “Present” I would probably be found fumbling around in my bag or downloading a random app.

    From the outside my life was a projection of a woman balanced even thriving. I had a career, home, car, nice things,friends, hobbies yet there was lack. Lack of focus. Lack of organization. Lack of discipline.

    So how did I even acknowledge that I was addicted to distraction? I hadn’t heard it before but I had noticed that I was always doing something not important while I was supposed to be doing something pretty important. It stuck out to me. Texting and driving was habitual for me it was if it went hand in hand. (No pun intended). I knew it wasn’t right and for my kid’s sake and to hold myself accountable I wanted to sign the It can wait pact. But I couldn’t commit. I began to see how throughly my life; in the classroom, in relationships, and sometimes at work I lacked focus. I’d do really well for a short period of time but I’d lose interest in EVERYTHING.

    Being distracted can be tricky. Seeing how you can be distracted by good things. It’s not always going down the rabbit hole on social media or someone calling you to spill the hottest tea while you’re supposed to be praying.

    It’s whenever you’re doing something less important while you’re supposed to be doing something more important.

    It’s balancing your checkbook during Sunday morning service. It’s doing your family stuff or stressing over your boo while at work. It’s worrying about your teenager and their attitude problem while you’re supposed to be focusing on your spouse. It’s allowing drinking to take priority over your responsibilities to yourself and your family . It’s allowing someone flirting with you to take priority over your integrity as a married person. It’s valuing designer labels over security.

    Are you addicted to Distraction?

    If so don’t even trip because I wanted to tell you how I overcame my addiction to distraction. I did it through a dare. So I dare you to not be distracted. I dare you to get intentional and to start small. As soon as you see your distraction arrest it. Don’t let distraction rule you but you begin to rule distraction. Just Say No!

    I had to learn to not let good be the enemy of perfect because nothing is perfect. it’s okay to show all the way up and for things to not go as planned.

    I wanted to tell you my 4 keys to breaking free of addiction to distraction.

    1 Ask God to show you what’s distracting you. (Pray)

    2 Write them down. Be honest with yourself ( Come into agreement with God)

    3 Resist. When you see your distraction or are about to participate in your distraction. Do the opposite. This will be hard and feel strange at first but practice makes better.

    4 Watch. This is my favorite step!! Just Watch how your life does a 180 degree turn in the area that you’ve began being more focused in. Results do not vary.

    Lastly, I wanted to tell you that you, reading this right now. Yes, you are already free from the addiction of distraction for what you seek is seeking you. Focus and discipline are yours and waiting to envelop you. Simply go towards them because they’re ready to receive you. It is so.

    Boom

    I praise God I’m not a one dimensional character. I know it’s easier and you’d probably feel safer if you could place me in a box, if you can compartmentalize me or label me so then you can assign a measure of value to me. That way you could decide what level of respect I deserve. You’d be able to predict our interactions and know exactly how to handle me if you so choose when you so choose to.

    But I am a multidimensional creation. Yasss when he made me he made me wealthy in many areas of my life and poor in others. He made parts of me inexplicably beautiful and some parts are painstakingly ugly. He made me sophisticated and hood. I am both a peacemaker yet I like to fight. I’m strong enough to get the job done but so weak I cannot do it alone. I cry often. I laugh often. I’m hardworking but I relish rest. And because I am not able to easily be boxed, labeled or handled I’m in the likeness of Dynamite.

      Dynamite: an explosive that is made of nitroglycerin and absorbed in a porous material that often contains ammonium nitrate.2 One that has a powerful effect. Also something that has great potential to cause trouble or conflict.3 Terrific, Wonderful.

      In the right hands and viewed through the eyes of people that understand what I’m truly made of my gift can be used properly. Terrific and wonderful things will occur. But it is often that I am feared by those that are ignorant of what I’m purposed for or mishandled which may lead to trouble or conflict.

      The revelation of having a dynamic personality has been empowering. And I know I’m not alone in this. I wanted to tell you that if you’re dynamite don’t pretend that you’re not do not reject parts of yourself to make others around you feel safe. You aren’t too much. You’re you. Amazingly awesomely and sometimes not so awesomely you. I wanted to tell you that the sooner you come into agreement with All of who you are, the sooner your life will take off in the direction your divine destiny resides in. Tick, tick, tick…Boom.

      The Fire

      I lost a lot of things in the fire  

      I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that I needed. 

      I watched as I burned up along side of my most treasured possessions and relationships.. boyfriend burned, bestie marred, drinking buddies and girl group that I was so proud to be a part of, gone gone gone. 

      I lost a lot of things in the fire but nothing that needed me. 

      If they investigate it’ll for sure be an arson and I’ll admit it.. I both poured the gas and lit the match to burn down an old house and old attitude and old behaviors that no longer served where I now had to go. I set my self on fire to see if Phoenixs really do exist. Ashes to Ashes and dust to dust. 

      When you sacrifice the only thing you need is what’s left after the fire goes out. All I had was my new identity, my children, a pen and a piece of paper. They were the keys to my new life for I knew everything that was consumed was not for me.

      I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m glad I did. Started over again with a new foundation that would be an alter where a fire would rage both day and night, a fire that would not consume me but gave me power and authority. That wouldn’t allow me to lose sight of what lay ahead of me. A fire that was a constant reminder that  less is more and that with just God I can do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could even contrive when attempted without him. I thought I had the life when I had people, when I had dates and I had popularity but when the fire came it was all burned away and I escaped to the secret place and abode there and did tarry. I found new life. I’ve lived more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 2 years. Before it was as if each day was the same and I was always waiting for something to jump off so I could feel alive or have some sort of reason to mark myself present in the whole thing. But now it’s as if each day is new. I’m new each day and so are my experiences and so are my expectations.

      I’m finally alive and I’m not waiting for something to happen I am the something that is happening. 

      I lost a lot of things in that fire and I’m so glad that I did. 

      Burn on Selah.